Hi, how are you?
I’m doing ok. I feel like crap, but I’m not dying.
I had an appointment with my doctor people today. The cancer is still retreating. Which is good. But my day to day still sucks. I’m fatigued, dizzy, and nauseated almost all the time. And, unless I’m on a constant dose of Oxy, I’m in a ton of pain. I have to say though, as much as I hate being on the oxy it has done wonders for the pain. I’ve had moments where my body has felt better than it has in years. But when I wake up in the morning, after the oxy has left my system I’m in a world of hurt. Like Macho Man Randy Savage kind of hurt. So on with the drugs.
In some related and frustrating news, my doctor is starting to wonder if the pain is actually coming from something other than the cancer…
Since the tumors are shrinking and my markers show improvement, my pain should be decreasing. At least that’s how it is for other humans. So if the pain doesn’t start to get better, they are going to toss me over to some other specialists to try and sort my pain as its own affliction. Ugh.. So I’m that guy with the really bad cancer and also that guy with an unknown debilitating chronic pain. Check out my earlier posts to see how frustrating my pain has been and how validating it was to find out I had cancer.
Speaking of debilitating. Part of the reason I haven’t been posting much is that I just feel awful all the time. So it’s a real struggle to keep up with the basic being-a-good-dad-things, being-a-good-partner-things, and being-a-person-with-a-job-things. Not working sucks. I can only spend an hour or two at the computer a day, at best. I have to prepare, rest and psych myself up all day just so I can perform an hour of juggling. And then my body hurts twice as much for two days afterward. It’s almost like I lost my job on the same day I got cancer. You always think of the medical bills people have to pay when they are dealing with a major illness, but you forget that they probably also aren’t working either. It’s a double whammy. Here are a bunch of bills and in exchange, I’ll take away 90% of your ability to make money. Good deal.
I’m now only meeting with my doctor’s once a month to check-in. I think what’s mentally most difficult is that I’m pretty much doing the only treatment that can be done. It’s not going to get much better than this.
And I’ll probably have these or similar symptoms for the rest of my life. It’s like I’ve been thrown into the body of an 80-year-old man, but with all the responsibilities of a 38-year-old dad. No retirement for me.
As I mentioned before, I don’t really have a bucket list. But I have started coming up with a few things I’d like to do before I die. So I guess I do have a bucket list. ;P
Travel to Yosemite, stand under a giant sequoia, and say “hello, friend.” Trees have always been incredibly inspiring to me. I’ve often said that trees are my spirit animal. I’m hoping to go visit them this Spring or Summer.
Other things on my list include an overnight train ride through the mountains of Europe or Asia. And I’d love to own a classic muscle car and drive like an asshole through the streets of Austin or maybe a road trip to Boulder.
Music to cancer to
- We’re All Gonna Die – Dawes
- Thursday in the Danger Room (feat. Kamasi Washington) – Run The Jewels
Get through today. And then again tomorrow.