Needless to say, my last post was a bit heavy. One of the biggest reasons I write this blog is that I can organize my own thoughts and process everything that is happening. I’ve gone back and reread my last post about 10 times, because it just doesn’t seem real… again, a character in a movie.
But here I am! …Still! New and improved with Advanced Cancer and Tatar Control! The last few days have been filled with a clatter of random thoughts. A lot of which revolve around my own mortality. I suppose it’s only natural at this point for me to at least consider what I want the rest of my life to look like. However long or short that may be. It has nothing to do with giving up. I am not giving up (<–this always feels like a tedious, required statement). But it’s a good excuse to take a look at my life insurance policy, power of attorney, my will (who’s getting all my beanie babies!?), and my last wishes (cremate and toss ashes out the window, please). Many of us haven’t sorted these morbid-but-necessary things. And often don’t until it’s too late. My slow-motion car crash is at least affording me time to take a look at these things with a clear mind.
I also wake up a little more anxious, lately. I keep feeling worried that I’m not utilizing my time the way I should. Is spending an entire day watching old episodes of the Match Game (Charles Nelson Reilly!) the best use of my time? Should I be starting new projects? Finishing old projects? This is the point when I travel the world and cross things off my bucket list, right? Waste all my money, eat junk food every day, and burn the candle at both ends? It doesn’t sound like a recipe for recovery. Sounds more like giving up.
And I don’t really have a bucket list. I feel very grateful for the life I’ve had, the people I’ve loved and all the things I’ve experienced. I’ve always tried to live without regrets. And now I find it really weird when I wake up from a 3-hour nap in the middle of the day, I feel a bit of regret. That time is gone.
You can’t just live every day like it’s your last. But you also can’t pretend you’re not dying. Not sure where that leaves me.
Music to Cancer to
Music is a huge part of my life and one of my greatest sources of happiness. I’ve inadvertently started collecting songs about mortality. Partly because they inspire reflection, and partly because I find them darkly humorous and cheesy. If you want to forever taint some songs with Matt’s dying of cancer, give them a listen! 🙂
- Once in a Lifetime – Talking Heads
- Last Stop: This Town – Eels
- Where is my mind? – Pixes
- C’mon – Rustic Overtones
- All The Time – Mike Doughty
- In My Life – Beatles
- Never Gonna Give You Up – Rick Astley
- In the Meantime – Spacehog
- End of the Movie – Cake